(Current Ashwatthaman, recalling where the jewel came from.
Source: Web)
My father found me sleeping against a tree right outside the walls of his beloved training grounds. But when I awoke it was almost as if I was an evil rakshasa to them. They had swords pointed at me and I was in terror. I had no clue what was going on. The only thing I could do was sit still, frozen in fear. For some strange reason I could not recognize them but they definitely knew who I was. The largest of the group said sternly to me, "Ashwatthaman! What is that stone in your head? You have been gone for two moon cycles and when you finally reappear you have a gem embedded into your forehead? Is it really you? Mom is going to be happy to see that you're still alive but what happened to you?"
I replied in a quiet mumble, "What are you talking about? Who are you people?"
The group of men could see I still didn't have my wits about me so they proceeded cautiously. They sheathed their swords but kept one hand on the hilt. The largest man in the group approached me and placed his hands gently on my shoulders and said, "I am your father, Drona. You have been gone for two very long moon cycles and your mother and I have been worried sick. It seems that you are alright. Maybe you are a little traumatized by your time alone in the forbidden forest. We will take you to home and give you some time to rest. Perhaps with some time to rest you will remember what happened."
(Drona(far left) observing as his pupil Arjuna trains. Also this is the tree where Ashwatthaman was found sleeping against.
sourse: 3D artist)
Drona picked me up and carried me back to the house. I was still confused but felt comfort in the arms of this man who said he was my father. When we got back to the house I was introduced to my mother and she smothered me with hugs and kisses. Next I took a much needed bath. My family tried feeding me when I was all cleaned up but I didn't have an appetite so I proceeded to bed. This night that had begun in terror was ending quite well and I felt like things were going to be alright. But the one thing I couldn't get off my mind was why everyone all night was staring at the stone in my forehead. I ended up falling asleep to the thought of this stone and where it came from.
That night is when the nightmares started and I have been experiencing them ever since. Every night I have the same nightmare of myself deep in a dark cave in the forbidden forest. In this dream I can feel my forehead tingle where the jewel should be, but for some reason when I put my hand over it all I feel is my skin. It almost feels as if I have lost my mind and I am just following this urge to go deeper into this mysterious cave. As each night passes I go just a little bit deeper. Is this where I was for those two moon cycles? Is this where I got the stone in my head?
(The cave Ashwatthaman dreams about.
Source: Web)
It has now been a couple of years since I have experienced the nightmares that used to plague my existence. I've known the truth of how I ended up in that cave but fear if I tell anybody then it'll just stir more trouble. Yet I have an urging desire to clear everything up with my father who will always love me unconditionally. I have hidden the truth long enough and feel like it is time to reveal to my father what really happened.
"My dear father, Drona, there is something that is eating away at me and I feel like we need to talk about it." I said to my father.
Drona replied, "Are you upset again because it seems like I focus on training the other pupils more than my own son? We have talked about this and.."
Not wanting to go through all this again I interrupt him, "No, this is something more serious. My memories from those two moon cycles I was lost in the forbidden forest have returned. If you want to know what happened I've got an interesting story for you."
My father looked filled with excitement and said, "Oh perfect, now that you've finally gotten your memories back, the mystery of your disappearance can finally be resolved." I didn't have the strength to tell him that my memories had returned a long time ago. I proceeded and acted like the memories had just returned.
Author's Note: Ashwatthaman, the man responsible for the night raid on the Pandava camp, is in possession of some sort of jewel that keeps him alive. Draupadi has asked Yudhishthira to get revenge and kill this man. But since Ashwatthaman is a brahmin, Yudhishthira refuses. Yudhishthira stated that if Ashwatthaman had done something wrong then Vishnu would punish him himself. Since Draupadi's first request was declined she asked him to steal Ashwatthaman's jewel that is embedded in his head and gives him the power to live forever. Arjuna ends up being the one that eventually recovered the jewel.
The thing this story doesn't really reveal is how Ashwatthaman got this powerful jewel. That's where my story comes in. I wrote a story as to how I think the great Ashwatthaman got his jewel of power.
Bibliography - Online Mahabharata, Story titled "Ashwatthaman's Jewel"
Author: Donald A. Mackenzie
Hi Kalen,
ReplyDeleteyou asked for a few critiques so I will try to help in one aspect for your story. Overall it is really good. The first person narrative was unique, and I haven't seen many of those to be honest. Even I like to use third person and omniscient point of view when writing. Something I think you and your story could benefit from is a change in some vocabulary. There's a few instances where more detailed describing words, or different words would help capture the essence I believe you to write with.
An example (and again, this is all opinionated) "They had swords pointed to me and I was in terror" could be changed to something like "As I awoke, I saw flashes of silver. Polished swords were pointed at my head and neck. Terror overcame me as I slowly peered around the armada of steel..."
Overall you are definitely on the right track for your story, that is more nit picky critiques.
Firstly, I'd like to say that your author's note was very descriptive. Both the author's note and story were easy to read. I like how you focused the story on Ashwatthaman regaining his sense of consciousness and awareness about what happened in the cave. The image that you chose fit you story. One thing that you might want to incorporate in to your blog is better spacing with dialogue and not having so much of your passages be in blocks. I think that this is one of those innate techniques and habits when writing.
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